day 1

18 May 2015 Driving to work the song on the radio sounded loud and clear in my ears. and this time it didnt get just to the ears. it penetrate the brain for the first time. 'I warned you, didnt i warn you' .. probably it was by rihanna. not sure. but the beat was fast and the tone jolly. despite the lyrics. i am at the lab. i have had my blood taken three times already. a young woman came in with her father and she was holding him. i thought the father was the patient. but it was the daughter. and reminded me that anybody of any age can be ill. i am so tired from not sleeping in the last few days. four hours in a row was the maximum i managed without waking up to go to the bathroom and to have water. and then stress came in. and still i have noticed the symptoms and still, i had sweets yesterday too, and not once but three times. i have been always out of control. and yes this must definitely have to do with psychological factors within but from outside too. I will get to that later. today i have to start a journey into my body, learn about it. understand it, heal it. it will take me 200 days , just like the trip of the woman who dares and just like the trip of the woman who cares. today Susan from wisconsin supported me. we messaged for a couple of hours around 4-6 am. I dont smoke. but i had been poisoning my self excessively over and over and over again and it didnt stop. It was like it was deliberate. it would be a logical conclusion if one would learn how i had been systematically been doing it. but acknowledging it is a step to correction and a step to freedom. 9.20 am - i have been at the lab for almost two hours. i have one more time to take some blood out for the test. i have drunk two big glasses of dilluted glucose and havent been drinking water since. but it is not that bad. i am thirsty but not as much as i would think i would be. i have dared to check the internet about the symptoms, the future. and it has been a week that i have been watching documentaries about what to eat, what not to eat as well as about cancer, how it grows. starting with a single cell that gets out of control. but there are outside factors that affect it. one of them, an important one is nutrition. and this is one of the things i have been doing wrong to my self. i want a second chance. i want a chance to be responsible. so the results came back and there is nothing wrong with the blood tests. in fact all the exams today were normal except esr of 24 instead of ten. but a few months ago esr was 30. today i ate in the morning half a toast with brown bread with turkey and salad for lunch the other half! i am here in the house looking on the itnernet to see what causes me to be thirsty all the time. it could be this as i also have dry eyes... http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sjogrens-syndrome/basics/tests-diagnosis/con-20020275 weight at 5 o clock. 86!